Updated: Jan 13
When I found the path of yoga a decade ago, I thought it was the be-all, end-all. I thought that it was my path. And then something happened. I started to walk away from it, only to find myself full circle, back at the beginning, in complete remembrance that yoga is for me.
In hindsight, I have come to recognize that the greatest offerings of transformation are ones that I am initially repulsed by. Not in the kind of way that I am disgusted, but in the kind of way that I am so attracted to the light that I am fearful that it will completely consume me.
Can you relate to this - subconsciously choosing not to take actions that will lead you to evolve?
When I finally allowed myself to get over the initial hump that yoga was not for me, because ‘I’m not flexible enough’…. I was mesmerized.
I wanted to devour the teachings as quick as possible but felt as if the resources that I needed to support me were not present, and I did not know where to turn to dive deeper. (This was before the internet revolution of EVERYTHING being offered online!)
I was encouraged to take a yoga teacher training. I had no desire to teach. I was thirsty to learn. The life direction that was so clear before I found yoga started to fall away, and I had this need to explore deeper.
I turned away scholarships to study abroad. I turned down the Peace Corps (a life-long dream of mine…), because I knew that I needed to keep exploring yoga. After my teacher training, I longed to find an ashram to study in. India was calling me. And then I met a boy… (who I still dearly love). And everything shifted. And I still have not been.
My yoga practice was daily, but as the years passed since my teacher training, my passion started to waiver. I started to question things. I found the path of the Priestess and started to reclaim the Divine Feminine within. And as I tried to figure out how yoga fit in with this new version of me, things just weren’t sitting right. I did not understand how the guru-disciple relationship fit into the principles of inner gnosis and sovereignty.
I did not know how I could walk a path that I fundamentally just could not understand. I was really close to leaving it. But I listened to a deeper call - one that took me to a local ashram, Ishtadev Niwas, and all of the doubt was cut-right-through, as I began to watch what an embodied experience of the guru-disciple relationship was right in front of my eyes…
What once was incomprehensible to me, and what I once judged, I began to understand. I started to see how the outer teacher is a necessary part of the disciples’ ability to access the teacher within. I started to see how the Guru is much like the Initiator in the path of the Priestess, and I imagined Jesus as a Guru and then everything started to make so much sense.
It’s not the human person that you are surrendering to, it’s the divinity within said person, who has attained enlightenment AND embodiment that you are surrendering to. They have the ability to see your karmas, to see your dharma and to know exactly what it is that you need for evolution and fulfillment of your highest potential.
I began to realize that everything Guru would ask me to do would be FOR ME, for MY evolution, not for them, because well, they have already been all the way and back again….
My Western mind was so troubled, thinking that I would be taken advantage of, that sovereignty would be taken from me, that the ashram was an hierarchy, that this was a path of patriarchy, that this was NOT the path of the Divine Feminine...
And I started to realize that ALL of those voices were fear and ignorance. I did not understand, so I judged. And I see now, so clearly, how essential having a teacher and a lineage to anchor into is.
And once I allowed the fear to leave the room, I had much clearer perception. It’s like the things that I was hearing before were just entering in one ear and leaving out of the other. But once I liberated my inner critic, things started to click. I started to see how what looked like hierarchy to me is an intentional science, a school for an evolution of the soul. And that’s pretty darn cool… I realized, “wait a sec, this IS a Goddess path. This is a Saraswati lineage… Silly me…” Because Saraswati is Goddess of wisdom.
And what have I been chasing all my life? Truth.
So here I am again, in deeper understanding, full circle, back to the beginning, in remembrance that yoga is for me and that it is part of my path to share it with others.
And do you see a part of yourself in the sharing of my story?
Something that I have taken away from this realization is to stay open and receptive, rather than trying to control how I think my life should be. When I listen DEEPLY to what life wants for me, well, that's where the magic is.
Does this speak to you in anyway? Let me know. You can leave a comment below or head to the Wild Moon Sisters Temple on Facebook.